Holding On

I could watch it all day. Across the horizon glistened a million mesmerizing crystal specs. It had an elusive effect on me.

As the sun descended, the water changed colors. A cool darkness crept over the ocean. The moon became a spotlight in the night sky.

I looked up at the stars and they winked at me. It was 2am and I was filled with so many questions. I decided to grab a kayak from the clubhouse and started for the water.

The first few waves were heavy and intense. I worried for a moment I would fall in. I felt a chilling uneasiness in the darkness. I couldn’t see anyone on the beach or anything on the water.

I let my apprehension sit. After I got past the first few waves, the rocking subsided and it became very peaceful. I tilted my head back and gazed up into the celestial sphere

I felt the pull of the moon and a sense of curiosity. I thought of every place I have ever traveled. I thought of the Sky as my witness for every triumph and failure.

I wondered if my silly stupid life made a difference. Maybe like the stars, all I was, and am is a twinkling spec in the universe.

My eyes widen and I feel alive. I wonder if I will ever meet someone who understands me. I am starting to think that this is part of the meaning of life.

The reason why we talk to people, the reason why we yearn to be touched, why we long to be validated, to be seen or understood by someone else. It gives us complete freedom.

Today, I decided to write about this feeling but I think I’ve known about it for a long while. I think it’s important to recognize what you are feeling when you are feeling it. It is a part of one’s self-discovery and is what can both reinforce or rewrite a self-concept,  the very molding of who you will become.

It is important to maintain sight of one’s character in the chaos of others and when you find yourself, hold on because no one else is going to except for you.