I see an epidemic of fear towards emotions among lots of people I know. They have a terror about them when it comes to being vulnerable. It’s not just a simple fear of commitment, it’s a deeper pathological state. The only way they can overcome it, if at all, is by taking little risks and not being hurt or sometimes by being hurt and then pushing through that hurt to survive and realize it wasn’t death after all. I want to express my feelings about having the courage to try. It takes a lot to open up. It takes a lot to honest with yourself and others. It’s one of the reasons I fell for you. I tried to tell you but you never wanted to have a conversation. I don’t know why or when talking became such a novel concept. Maybe when you talk, you realize what you want is impossible to attain. It seemed to be the case with us. Looking back and considering my feelings towards you I don’t know why I fell so hard. The only way anything would have worked is if you were willing to try (no complicated/confusing strings attached). But you weren’t and in the end, I let go. Goodbyes are never easy for me but I know now that I have no time for those who are unwilling to give me their time. You might not have guessed it but in my lifetime I have struggled with investing in others who could give two shits about my feelings and intentions. In a world of choices, for once, I am going to choose me.
I may not have all the answers but I know what I don’t want. I know what I don’t deserve. I regularly crave connection on an emotional level. Friendships and relationships have always excited me at the potential to find the meaning of things and go deeper. I need to be in the kind of relationships that allow me to express what I am feeling while having the other person reflect back in a meaningful way. Relationships require basic emotional literacy. There isn’t an unhealthy leaning or complete disregard for others. I want to thank you for teaching me that putting my needs above your wants of the wants of others is self-respect, not selfishness. It’s likely you never gave me a second thought. For all I know, I was just a notch on your belt. For this and this alone, I am sad. Not for me but for you because I really did have a love for you. But that’s okay, the more I suffer, the more I learn, the more I love. The possibility of enduring harm or injury only intensifies my passion. My love and suffering have to go somewhere and I will find it here, line after line. I accept what we were and I am sorry for not realizing that sooner. I truly hope you find what you are looking for and thank you for helping me find myself, even if I lost a part of me first. I know it’s unlikely you will ever read this. In many ways, this letter was more for me. It’s helped me find peace. Moreover, it’s a tribute to my learning experiences and an act of solidarity for all those who fall in love with what’s unattainable.
If only songs were sung to guide the doubtful ones
Beyond the rough where not as much is good enough
Or if you find yourself amongest the lonely ones
I will be awaiting you with open arms
I can’t coerce you into this one
Jealousy lay your spells to bed.
I will choose unloved instead.