I see an epidemic of fear over emotions among lots of people I know. They have a terror about them when it comes to being emotionally vulnerable with another person. It’s not just a simple fear of commitment, it’s a deeper pathological state.
The only way they can overcome it, if at all, is by taking little risks and not being hurt or sometimes by being hurt and then pushing through that hurt to survive and realize it wasn’t death after all.
I want to emulate my faith in having the courage to push through. I also want to express my appreciation for communication. Saying things like “can we talk” doesn’t have to be taboo. I wish you believed that. Making sure the people involved are okay so that potential hurt is avoided isn’t a bad idea at all. I honestly don’t know why talking is such a novel concept.
Maybe when you talk to someone, you realize that what you want is unattainable. That seems to be the situation with us. The thing is: that’s okay. That’s life.
Just because we can’t get what we want doesn’t mean we quit the game. Nor give up on the player. I was willing to engage in a friendship with you. But this is only fair if you are just as willing to be a friend to me: without the complicated sexual strings attached.
If that’s beyond what is possible then I have to let go. Goodbyes are never easy but that’s all I can really do. Companionship is nice while it lasts but I know now more than ever:
I don’t have time for people who are unwilling to work with me.
It’s been a personal struggle I have had with investing and caring about people who could care less about me, my feelings, or intentions. In a world of choices, for once, I am going to choose me.
I don’t have all the answers to what I am looking for and am not perfect by any means but I do know myself. I am an intuitive individual who regularly craves connection on an emotional basis with my partners. Friendships and relationships have always excited me at the potential to find the meaning of things and go deeper.
I need to be in the kind of relationships that allow me to express what I am feeling and have that person reflect back to me in a meaningful way. In order to do that though, basic emotional literacy is fundamental. Before I can be a friend or care with not for others including people like you, you have to be willing to help yourself.
That’s how it works. I can’t be your therapist, just like you can’t be mine. It’s not our job to fix other people nor is it acceptable to comprise our needs for someone else’s. It is called a relationship, not social work.
I just realized it is likely you never even considered my friendship as a genuine proposition. For this and this alone, I am sad. Not for me. But for you.
But that’s okay. I am not angry and I don’t fear what lies ahead. The more I suffer, the more I learn, the more I love. The possibility of enduring harm or injury only intensifies my passion. My love and suffering have to go somewhere and I will find it here, line after line.
I am not upset with the reality of what we were. The prospect of anything to do with you is over. My selfish wants and projections for a connection now seem unreasonable and unfair.
I do however apart from my mistake, hope you find the peace that I believe every soul on Earth deserves. It is likely that you will never read this. And that’s okay. In many ways this letter is more so for me.
It is a tribute to my learning experiences with you and an act of solidarity for all those who fall for the unattainable.
If only songs were sung to guide the doubtful ones
Beyond the rough where not as much is good enough
Or if you find yourself amongest the lonely ones
I will be awaiting you with open arms
I can’t coerce you into this one
Jealousy lay your spells to bed.
I will choose unloved instead.