I see an epidemic of fear over emotions among lots of people I know. They have terror about being emotionally vulnerable to another person. It’s not just simple fear of commitment, it’s a deeper pathological state. The only way they ever can overcome it, if at all, is by taking little risks and not being hurt or sometimes by being hurt and then pushing through that hurt to survive and realize it was not death after all.
I want to push beyond my fear of getting hurt and be honest with people. I want to emulate my faith in communicating. Saying “can we talk” can be a good thing. It doesn’t have to be taboo. I wish you believed that. It’s talking about feelings. Making sure that people who are involved are okay so that no one has to get hurt. Why is talking such a novel concept?
Maybe when you talk to someone, you learn that what you want is unattainable. That seems to be the situation with us. The thing is: that’s okay. That’s life.
Just because we can’t get what we want doesn’t mean we quit the game. Nor give up on the player. I am willing to engage in a friendship with you but only if you are just as willing to be a friend to me: without strings attached.
If that’s beyond what you are capable then, I have to say goodbye. Goodbyes are never easy but that’s all I can really do. Companionship is nice while it lasts but I have just realized this:
I don’t have time for people who are unwilling to work with me.
It’s been a struggle throughout my life and it’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to keep getting hurt by investing and caring about people who could care less about me, my feelings, or intentions. In a world of choices, for once, I am going to choose me.
I don’t have all the answers to what I am looking for but I do know myself. I am pretty intuitive and I regularly crave connection on an emotional basis with my partners. Friendships and relationships have always excited me at the potential to find the meaning of things and go deeper.
I need to be in the kind of relationships that allow me to express what I am feeling and have that person reflect back to me in a meaningful way. In order to do that though, basic emotional literacy is fundamental. Before I can be a friend or support others including people like you, you have to be willing to help yourself.
That’s how it works. I can’t be your therapist, just like you can’t be mine. It’s not our job to fix other people nor is it acceptable to comprise our needs for someone else’s. It is called a relationship, not social work.
I just realized now, as much time as I put into this, it is likely you never gave us a second thought. Fighting for you or the prospect of a future is a battle I can’t win. It is likely you will never give me a chance. For this and this alone, I am sad. Not for me. But for you.
But that’s okay. I am not upset and I am not scared. I don’t fear what lies ahead. The more I suffer, the more I learn, the more I love. The possibility of enduring harm or injury only intensifies my passion. My love and suffering have to go somewhere and I will find it here, line after line. It is likely that you will never read this. And that’s okay too. Because this letter is not for you. It’s for me and all those that fall for what is unattainable.
If only songs were sung to guide the doubtful ones
Beyond the rough where not as much is good enough
Or if you find yourself amongst the lonely ones
I will be awaiting you with open arms
I can’t coerce you into this one
Jealousy lay your spells to bed.
I will choose unloved instead.