The Art of Closing Doors
- Twist knob counter clock-wise. (* Can be turned clock-wise too.. I just checked)
- Push back into door frame.
- Release knob.
Seems simple enough. A 2 year old could do it. Yet more than 2 decades later, I seem to have trouble with leaving doors slightly ajar. The problem w/ leaving doors slightly ajar is the fact that leaving a door even a smidgen open is still open. I wouldn’t normally be threatened by an open door, on the contrary, I welcome doors especially ones that lead to new opportunities. But doors that are portals into the past, including that of ex-boyfriends, people that have hurt me (the two are not mutually exclusive), those who don’t contribute to/those who are not a part of my life anymore, are ones that I believe for the most part should stay shut.
It recently occurred to me however that closing doors is not my forte. I know it may seem stupid to conceive that closing a door could require any sort of skill but for me it is a complicated art. I find it difficult to stop communicating with a person I have grown to care about. It’s not like a light switch. I can’t turn it on and off. When I see something that reminds me of them or see something that I want to share with them, I am inclined to act on it. Time will pass, seasons will change, life will inevitably go on, but my desire to share with that person persists. It becomes problematic when communication with said person reopens Pandora’s box & ends in heartache.
It’s not my intention to cause chaos or destruction but it happens when doors of the past reopen. In my life, I have been notorious for it. That and for being a lowkey hoarder. Over the years, I have kept so many random things- movie stubs, concert tickets, letters, a prom corsage… writing this now I feel a little pathetic. I guess you could say I hold on to things metaphorically and literally.
I never felt ashamed of it until someone pointed it out. When I recently moved, my new place was so small & I had to sift through my things and get rid of the unnecessary shit. Notice how quick the verbiage goes from “things” we keep to “shit” we don’t.
I thought it would be a real difficult task to rid myself of the random items from my collection but surprisingly, it wasn’t. It was liberating. I decided that if it felt that good to get rid of things, maybe I should try it with people. Maybe it was time to close all the doors that were left slightly, ajar. And so I did.
One at a time that is. Once I got a taste of it, I began to close doors left and right. I went on a “closing doors” spree. Things that no longer served me remained on the other side. I realized all this time I was worried that closing the door would make me feel isolated or empty or without a certain gusto but funny enough I have never been more happy nor felt more full in my entire life.