Tired of Being Tired

www.sheepdressedlikewolvesMy life has felt like a roller coaster lately with intense emotional highs followed by low lows. To be fair a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I turned 24. I graduated from college. I moved. I got a job. I found a car that I am ready to buy. I also deleted some people off my phone that no longer add value. It’s been intense. I haven’t really had the chance to breathe. Instead of sleep or give myself some time to rest, I have been on go mode. I have been a social butterfly with everyone under the sun. This weekend I didn’t mean to go overboard but I did. I questioned why I let myself get that fucked up. I know alcohol has been something I have struggled with for a while. It’s my one vice. Having a father who is an alcoholic doesn’t help. I picked up some patterns early on that inevitably have caused issues.  I was so out of it the day after my bender that I had to drink 6 cups of coffee at work. This was a big mistake on my part because since I don’t drink coffee often, it gave me the shakes. My hands were trembling beyond my control. At one point, while I was on the train to visit my friend, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I tried to do some breathing exercises and calm down but I had trouble since the train was so crowded. The week had been rough. The new job and the responsibilities it entailed was not at all what I expected. It had been stressful. I had grabbed dinner with a few different people earlier in the week for my “post-birthday” treat but none of the outings felt like celebrations. They felt stressful too.  I felt like I was invited to hear them talk about all the shitty, unfortunate things going on in their life. I am so tired of being an emotional punching bag. I am tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am tired of making an effort for those who don’t reciprocate my energy. Most of all, I am tired of feeling tired. It’s pathetic. It’s not like it’s going to get better or easier from this point moving forward. Life is just going to continue to be busy and lately, my anxiety has been bad. I get so overwhelmed that I feel the stress physically manifesting into my body. I wonder how long it will be before I  break down or collapse or burst out into tears. I almost did on that train. When I had gotten to my destination, my anxiety went down. I was looking forward to this event all week. I was going to visit my friend, get dinner, go to a baseball game, and catch up. It seems so simple. I needed that. I needed simple. I needed to be around someone who knew me. I needed to be around energy that would listen and hear and see me-not the watered down version, and not the version that made them feel better. I need to be around people who are in tune with my wavelength. I need to be around people who I can breathe easier.  I like the fact I can sit with them in silence or talk for hours, and it’s all good. It’s okay. It’s easy. I don’t have to try. I feel validated. It gives me the strength to persist and I wish I had the words to express my thank you. It might not seem like a big deal. However, I truly believe it’s the small things, the little moments, and the gestures we make for our friends that are the very things that keep them sane, hopeful, and alive. I am tired of being tired; I want a change and I think that’s the start of something great.

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2 thoughts on “Tired of Being Tired

  1. Congrats on your achievements, grad, new job and Happy Belated!
    Just remain positive that things will get better, true it will not be easy… but it will get better!

    Like

    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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