I haven’t done any free writing in a while and so often I type things out and never publish them. It’s a bad habit. I wanna get in a routine of posting every single day. The posts might be small but that’s okay as long as it’s something. I have to make time to improve my writing. You have to make time for your passions. One day I want to write a book. I also have high hopes to finish my screenplay. Part of the reason I haven’t finished it is because it’s about a past love. To re-live some of those emotions I dealt with feels like a step into the past. I don’t live there so why revisit. However, as time has passed, I have more or less been able to reclaim that time and space. The screenplay will take time and I will have a lot to edit.. but I would like for it to be done by birthday come next year. It’s a lofty goal but cheers to challenging myself. I hope reminiscing will be different this time around. I used to hold so much animosity towards the things that hurt or affected me in the past. I think the reason I was so angry is that I never liked to look back at the way I reacted. I was so shameful about it. Why hadn’t I been better, smarter, more confident? I didn’t like to be vulnerable or feel stupid for making my mistakes. I don’t like to play the fool. I know. I know. Pride is fucking wicked. It’s something that has gotten me in trouble over the years. It’s caused so much unnecessary pain. Having the sharpest tongue has a price. The worst burden of all is when my pride hurts those I care about.
You always hurt the ones you love, The ones shouldn’t hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose And crush it till the petals fall
(Blue Valentine you always hurt the one you love- the Mills Bros)
I don’t think this is some sort of coincidence. You know exactly how to hurt the people you care about. You know their pressure points. You know how to set them off and when someone challenges my pride, I don’t back down. It’s terrible. I really need to learn how to hold my tongue. I think it would greatly help with the trajectory of my life. It would also do less damage. You know what they say,
Boca cerrada, no entran mosca.