Liability

IMG_6122

Every time I hear Lorde’s “Liability,” its lyrics strike a chord within me. I have often felt like a liability or hindrance on my friends and family. I feel as though I ask for too much or perhaps I am too much.  The truth of feeling better off as my own best friend has been a recurring theme for me. Lorde had it right when she said, “I know that it’s exciting running through the night, but every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone-better on my own.” I have felt that rush and the exhilaration of running through the night, hand in hand with another, sin miedo. It’s a beautiful feeling and then just as you blink-it’s over. I think that’s why it’s important to become your own best friend. It lasts forever and although it’s taken years of practice and patience, after failure and failure, I can finally see my self-concept clearly. It’s developing and growing into something also very beautiful-something I am proud of. What can I say, self-awareness, expression, and improvement- it’s a lifestyle. I think self-love has been the hardest kind for me to embrace.  However, I have been falling as I have watched the goals I have had for several years finally come to fruition. Moreover, I have had the realization that I have been the only person standing in the way of their execution. I think for a while there, I thought I’d wake up and the things that I wanted would just be there. I remember when I read about the feeling I am trying to describe to you. It comes from a book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. Niequist felt that she had been waiting, waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person she always thought she was on the verge of becoming. She went on to talk about how time passes you by when you’re busy waiting. This future version of you, the 2.0, the one in HD, is smarter, stronger, more organized, and more disciplined. In movies, she called the turning point that led to this version of the character, “the big moment.” It’s that pivotal game or the performance or key event that ties everything together. There is the life they had before “the big moment” and then the life after it. It reframes and changes everything. It helps make sense of the characters’ entire world.  Like Niequist, I tend to get emotional at these kinds of moments. Perhaps just like her, I was waiting for my own big moment. I have cried over, prayed for, desired, and dreamed of this moment. Over the last six months or so, this moment has been right there in front of me. At times, it felt like some cheesy movie. I imagined the music would have been queued in, things would fall into place and everything would feel just right-but it didn’t. It’s crazy that I had exactly what I have wanted in the palm of my hands only to register that it wasn’t actually what I wanted.  The law of attraction is a strange thing. The power of manifestation has taught me that it is very possible to make the things you want to happen-happen. It just takes a lot of work. And no- it’s never just one moment, or one person, or one experience that defines everything. It’s a million tiny moments, the ones that are far less dramatic. Although many moments may feel mundane or insignificant, they are constant and are forever fabricating our future selves into.

Do you like who you are becoming?

It’s okay if you don’t because it’s you that has the capacity to change it.

Think about that. Goodnight world. 

Until tomorrow,

V

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close